Installment Number 2 — August 7, 2006

Dear Sennette,

Why isn't the practice of phrenology taken more seriously today? It seems perfectly logical and scientific to me.

— Justin Becker

Oh, this is a "heady" question, indeed, Justin! For those who don't know, practitioners of Phrenology claimed to be able to determine personality characteristics solely from the shape of a patient's head. Followers of this discipline stated that they could ascertain disposition, traits and attributes, and could even predict an individual's propensity toward becoming involved in criminal mischief -- all from examining the contours of the skull. The theory was developed by a physician by the name of Franz Joseph Gall around the year 1800, but after undergoing a few "advancements," was considered largely discredited as a valid science by the mid-19th century. Perhaps one reason that the method fell so quickly from favor was that most people didn't particularly relish the cranial rubdown that was required for a proper "diagnosis." It is interesting to note that, though Phrenology has long been dismissed as a "pseudo-science," the basic premise of the theory continues to be maintained by modern scientific studies — namely, the principle that many functions are indeed localized in the brain. This school of thought is now commonplace, if not considered absolutely proven, and it did have its origins in Phrenology. So, upon closer inspection, it seems that the study of this insightful specialty has not so much fallen out of fashion as it has simply been replaced by more sophisticated brain-imaging technologies. We no longer need to rely merely on feeling and measuring the architecture of a person's skull, because we can now, in fact, view the actual interiors of the skull by utilizing the current crop of medical scanning equipment. Therefore, we now have unprecedented access to the brain which, during Phrenology's heyday, was not only impossible but patently unimaginable. It is still quite open to debate whether an individual's personality can be determined simply by what one observes in a brain scan. However, it is widely accepted that different areas of the brain do, in actuality, govern different aspects of the human skillset (such as language and movement). Therefore, it is entirely likely that, pending the development of even more sophisticated scientific methods, a picture of the brain (and the knowledge to decipher it) may indeed aid in determining a person's intrinsic makeup. And we may also determine that such pictures will enable us to predict an individual's value and/or danger to society. And Sennette cannot help but mention that the question of who will determine what is "valuable" and what is "dangerous" is altogether frightening. When and if such deductive possibilities are realized, the question of nature vs. nurture will become inordinately relevant and all the more engaging as we argue for or against — and reflect upon — which social and medical practices will be deemed acceptable for humanity.

Dear Sennette

How do I tell a co-worker she looks fierce without crossing the line?

— Workin' For Da Man But Likin' Da Laydees

To be honest, crossing the line is fairly subjective. If your co-worker likes you like a bee likes a flower, then I can almost guarantee that there is very little you could say that she wouldn't appreciate. If, however, her feelings for you are strictly platonic, mossy, or twiggish, your flattery may not be as well received, though I'm sure you'll still get a polite response. However, if you should make the unfortunate choice of allowing your tone and/or motivation to be even the slightest bit smarmy or insincere, then you are engaging in a risky and inadvisable sport that you will hopefully have the good sense to abandon before it's too late.

Why is the Q-tip so creepy?

— Anonymous in Compton

Creepy? Moi?

Where does the name Sennette come from and what does it mean?

— Still Anonymous in Compton

Aren't you the same person who said I was creepy?

Who are you, Sennette?

—Why Can't I Get Some Attention in Compton

Shhhhhh... We can't talk about that. You're not the only one who wants to be anonymous. Now please go back to Compton.

Installment Number 1 — July 10, 2006


Dear Sennette,

I pretty much always feel like life is hard and that everything that happens to me is unfair. Now, I've seen other people who seem chipper and happy with their lives. Since I can't kill them, what can I do to feel a little better?

— A Friend from the Ditch

Rest assured, my sad, ruffled little ditch-hugging friend: most "happy" people are either heavily medicated or naturally diverted from reality by their own stupidity and obliviousness. Indeed, yours truly is deeply mistrustful of any creature that is happy all (or even most) of the time. Dogs, for instance, invite my suspicion on a regular basis. There's just something inherently sinister about all that heavy breathing and tail thumping. It's unsettling, the way they come at you all watery-eyed and glowing, with whatever "prize" they've exhumed from the earth clamped tightly in their giddy, drooling jaws. Such preposterous displays compel me to question their good judgment, and witnessing similar misconduct in humans can, for obvious reasons, be even more distressing.

But what can you do in the face of such offensiveness? I wouldn't recommend killing anyone, as that would only serve to land you in a place where the folks are even more miserable than you are now. Given that the attractive option of euthanasia is not available to you under the current laws, you could simply ignore their perky blather. That'd show them. I imagine that, in all but the most extreme cases, these characters will eventually tire of their own incessant chatter. If, however, you find the temptation to be confrontational too strong to resist, you could call them some choice names, like "Whiffleball," "Trog," or "Becky." Unfortunately, cheery people are usually well-equipped to deal with such derisive onslaughts and you probably won't get very far, though you could try it just for sport if nothing else.

Furthermore, when someone attempts to assault you with a "positive" sentiment, just cover your ears and sing in a loud, sarcastic voice: "La la la I caan't heeeear yoooou..." This often yields impressive results at first, but be forewarned that over-utilizing this course of action may lead to the development of a horrific sore throat, not to mention a loathsome reputation. Counting too heavily on such contrived methods will most likely result in the eventual extinguishing of any victory you may have been entitled to enjoy.

All of this leads me to suggest that you should charge them for your time — a dollar for every minute of delusion you are forced to endure. Soon they'll be so broke that they'll either join you in your misery or stop talking to you altogether, both of which would render you the clear winner. If even that clever scheme fails to work, you can always take comfort in this small but crucial fact: since their lives can't possibly be that much better than yours, they've just set their standards a whole lot lower. So, as they meander through their abysmal existence, congratulating themselves for every meager accomplishment, you can rest soundly in the knowledge that you just want so much more, so you are bound to be less easily satisfied

Having said all that, I would encourage you to remember that blithe cheeriness is very different from having what is commonly known as "a good attitude." All you have to do is look around you to see that an uncensored sunny disposition is a totally inappropriate response to life. It proves a pathological degree of denial, and we certainly don't need more of that. If, however, you are among the fortunate few who can look reality in the face and still manage to choose a positive approach, then you are in the enviable position of having at least partially figured it all out. Surely, all but the most cynical among us can agree that a favorable outlook is something everyone would be lucky to count amongst their afflictions.

Now pull on your boots, crawl out of that ditch, and check yourself before you wreck yourself. If ignorance is bliss, then knowledge is a curse. So take my hand, sweet soldier, and walk with me into the Valley of the Damned.

Disclaimer: Please be advised that Sennette means no disrespect whatsoever to dogs. In fact, save for a bloody incident when she was a toddler, she has never met a hound she doesn't admire, precisely because they are so innocent. She only wishes to dissuade the reader from sharing their impressionable, misty-eyed worldview.

Sennette, Do you know how much clown school costs? — Anonymous

It costs a Great Deal of Money.

What is Aspic? — Anonymous

A savory meat jelly. You don't really want to know more, do you?